Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…
Release date: December 25, 2020
Directory: Patty Jenkins
Who should watch this movie: People who “just can’t wrap their heads around all these new pronouns.” People who did too much coke in the 80s to remember what it was actually like.
When should you watch this movie: When you’re a little wine-drunk on a weeknight. When you’re feeling particularly grumpy and want to level harsh criticism at something/anything (this one’s an easy target).
The sell: You don’t need me to tell you that this movie is bad. It comes as no surprise to anyone who saw the trailer, or the first Wonder Woman movie, or anything that DC Entertainment has put out in the last eight years (with the exception of the animated TV shows, those are gold). The worst part is that you can’t even turn off your brain and enjoy the gratuitous action, like you can with so many bad blockbusters. The plot is so poorly organized and the information so clumsily delivered, that the story is impossible to follow without paying close attention. But paradoxically, the closer your focus, the less it makes sense. Plot holes abound, the first half of the movie is slow (boring) exposition, which, despite taking up at least an hour of the run time, fails to provide relevant context for the main conflict. The crowning jewel of bad resides solely in the writing. There is no differentiation of character in the dialogue, so all the characters sound like they’re the same person, literally reading a script. There are several moments that are clearly meant to be profound, but each time the monologue fails to deliver any emotional impact. Not even the endlessly charismatic Chris Pine can resuscitate this dead script. Pedro Pascal, bless his heart, goes full Nick Cage and overacts his role like a champ. Gal Gadot’s performance is forgettable. Kristen Wiig is Kristen Wiig and in my opinion, should never have been in this movie in the first place. The fact that this is meant to be some feminist “girl power” movie is laughable. There are two female characters: One is a super-powered warrior hero, who’s entire story arc is centered around her boyfriend, and the other is a super-powered warrior villain(?) who’s story arc is centered on her desire to be liked and desired by her male colleagues. Who’s going to tell the Hollywood execs that a lady with muscles does not amount to a forward thinking feminist production? Bonus silver lining though: If you’re ever feeling down about your writing, remember that Geoff Johns wrote this movie and has a job as Chief Creative Officer of DC Entertainment. If he can do that, you can do anything.